Maurette's Adventures

I woke up this morning bright and early. I am on holidays but I am going into the office. Joking aside, I was pretty stoked about it. I jumped out of bed, relieved myself (don't cringe you know it needs to be done and we all do it) and took a shower. I stopped myself short from singing in the shower but you get the picture. Finished showering I opened the shower curtain and found a surprise. There's a little girl sitting on the toilet ... well hello there! Good morning, are you doing a small one or a big one. A big one I hear. Great! Oh well, upwards and onwards. Standing in front of my wonderfully overflowing closet I bathe in the glory of having options. After months of not having options I am loving every second of this luxury. I choose a new tube top with flowing bottom pink and orange and white and a white skirt. Boy, this is what I call being on a holiday in the Caribbean. I got my hair sorted and I was ready to rock and roll. Now the shoes. I can't just wear any sh...

Sitting alone in the office makes my mind wander. Maybe I have an active imagination, maybe have read too many books, maybe I have watched too much internet entertainment. I'm here working late, got to be ready for the holidays, right? Everyone has already gone home, Christmas shopping or just out having fun. Me? I am here enjoying some Ne-Yo ... One in a miiilllion parapapa. That boy is good. Even my Miss Independent self got to admit that he does make me go ooooohhh haaaaaa. Sitting alone in the office makes my mind wander. I start to think about hunky cleaners coming in after hours or an IT geek working long hours not realizing there is another person in the building. He makes himself comfortable .... really comfortable. See the air-conditioning can get very cold if you have been sitting in it for hours. I can understand that one might turn it off ... and then it gets to be sweltering hot. If you are wearing a suit and tie, you get hot. Really hot. Oh! Don't you know it .....

My apologies to my young readers but this is one for the adults among us. You are all well aware of my strange fantasies and the weird way in which my mind works. But who can blame me if it is late at night and you are in that little transition world between awake and asleep. You know when you start fantasizing about the prince and how you wish, wish really bad that he exists? That sex is always fantastic and climatic. That you get home to a loving husband who is actually interested in how your day was. That he has done the washing, and dinner is ready. That the kids are quietly playing with their toys ready to go to bed. You know that world when everything is perfect and you are god? Well, that is not what actually happened and not at all what I am going to tell you. I want to tell you about the exact opposite. This here is my dilemma: When do you, as a woman or man, decide that this is the best it is ever going to get? Think about it, are you actually completely happy with your lif...

My container is stuck between London and Miami.Next week my family is going to be here. I have a loan futon and a loan chair, two lounge chairs and three bar stools. Oh! Let's not forget the twin air mattress. Christmas is around the corner. I guess if Mary and Joseph could give birth in a manger, we could sit on the floor and eat grilled cheese sandwiches.

All of you want an update on my last post. I'm not sure if that is because you like seeing me squirm or just because you are curious but here goes. Last week Wednesday was a good self-esteem day. I had calls from a lot of interested men. Unfortunately none that I was interested in for various reasons. Maybe one day I will introduce to you the mechanic and tell his story. For now I am focusing on the HR dude. So he called me on Wednesday inquiring about me, my health, my whereabouts and other more carnal stuff as it is soon become apparent. But let me start at the beginning, I got a call from a private number; the HR guy as you already know. This is my attempt of revamping a story I kind of already told the ending to. Hmmm ... I'm skipping through the whole hoopla of him telling me he hasn't send the letter yet and if I was still accepting the applications. Yes, I am. Well, if I could tell him exactly what the job implies. I said sure, it is a wonderful job, probably the ...

The guy from Human Resources is hitting on me. Big time. Not sometimes, not in passing, not flirting ... he says he wants the position. Let me start from the beginning or rather the beginning of this story. I have been expecting some money. Things I had paid that I needed to get back from the government. HR finally got around to making up the papers and getting me to sign it. Three weeks after that glorious event I went to the Receivers office to pick up my cheque. Surely it must be ready by now. Big No! So I called Mr. HR to complain. He was away on holidays so I called his cell. Yes, people I wasn't going to wait. I had plans for that money. He assured me that he was going to take care of it when he got back. Damn! Anyway so he got back this week. Monday went and I didn't hear anything so i called on Tuesday. Talking talking he asked me if I had found someone to take me to dinner, watch a movie, go dancing and all that good stuff. I asked why the interest was he soliciting ...

Ever had a stranger just sit next to you at the customer service desk? Imagine you're at the bank handling your private information, talking about all the money you don't have, how they can increase your overdraft or even about all the money you have and want to spend. You got some rapport going with the bank lady ... y'all are laughing and joking. You know you got it in the bag. And then ... out of nowhere someone sits down next to you. A total stranger. She sits down, roots around in her bag and pulls out a notebook and start making her grocery list. What the F***! That is exactly what happened to me. Granted I was not at the bank; I was at the phone company talking about my new phone connection when this woman walks up and sits next to me. I looked at her and looked at the customer service lady. She looked at me, looked at the lady and looked back. I shook my head: I don't know this woman. Will you believe me when I tell you she was genuinely surprised that she w...

The same rain that made us cancel my nephews birthday, kept Miss SGLIW at home. If you are wondering what SGLIW stand for: Super GoodLooking and Intelligent Woman. Yes y'all they exist. There I was sitting at home, staring at the clock. To go or not go ... what to do? And if I go, who to go with? Miss SGLIW was rained in. I tried my cousin but he was still elbow deep in food preparations for Youth Explosion. Then it hit me: in times of need, who can you always count on? No people, not superman or spiderman. Family! Always there. So I called my aunt. The one who wants to learn how to ride a Harley Davidson. We got there at 10:45. I could hear Shaggy wondering if God is a woman. Why he wonders I don't know as I am convinced that God is a woman on the simpel account of why would a man make such weak images of himself? If I was going to create a me, why would I create idiots? Anyway, I digress. The concert was fantastic! The guy standing in front of me kept looking back at th...

I made the papers. Not once ... but twice! Yes y'all, my name and picture are in the newspapers and I didn't even have to commit a crime for it. All I had to do is my job. First article was all about the upcoming Census and our cooperation with the marking bureau. http://www.thedailyherald.com/islands/1-islands-news/10071-department-of-statistics-prepares-for-census-2011.html When I woke up that morning I ddin't realize I was going to be in the picture. I thought it was going to be just my Department Head but no! There I was in my bright pink shirt. Later that week we did the trainings for the Pilot Census and Bam! there I am again. http://www.thedailyherald.com/islands/1-islands-news/10214-statistics-dept-holds-final-training-for-pilot-census.html (Un)fortunately the picture is only in the papers and not on the internet. And just now, I am sitting at my desk waiting for the radio people to interview me. People here like my 'british' accent so should I thi...

My week had been a constant running. The training for the Pilot Census was on its way and I needed to take care of every single details and also prepare myself for actually giving 30 people a thorough traning before they go out in the field. You can imagine how happy I was to hear about the long weekend coming up ... that is until I realized it was Youth Explosion Weekend and that menat my mothers place was going to be the center of activities. And yes, you guessed right! I will find myself engaged in some type of Youth Explosion task force. Besides my nephews birthday was on saturday and his was going to be a big one. Let's see if you are going to be as exhausted as I am after reading my lsit of activities: Thursday Night: - make 36 games of kwartet and wrap them with ribbons. I was half way through when I was told I needed to add the instructions as well. - Go to bed at 1.30 AM Friday: - leave the house at 8:00 - go to Bank A - go to Bank B - go buy cooking gas - get gr...

My head is still reeling from the weekend I just had. I have so much to tell you guys that I know I can;t do it in one post so you are going to get multiple. Today we are going to disect surprises gone wrong. When I turned on my computer wednesday morning, I got the most bestest email ever. Thursday the 11th of november was St. Maarten day. Friday was supposed to be a normal work day but the good people of the isalnd government decided to give government workers the day of on friday. Well, people normally I would jump a mile high but this time I knew it only meant more work for me. See, the pilot census is from 13th to 21st so someone has to take care of the weekend calls and that person can only be me. While everyone was busy making weekend plans, I just sat there doing my thing. Until a little devil whispered in my ear: there is something like call frowarding. Does it really make a difference if you are physically on the island? Slowly my face lit up with a great big smile. I pic...

Remember how I used to bitch about the public transportation system and most importnatly the loosers that feel they needed to talk to me? Remember when I had a story every couple of days about some sick dude who insisted they needed to talk to me? Remember when I thought the guy asking me to punch him the mouth was weird? Will you believe I miss all those guys? I miss these stories. When you are driving people don't talk to you anymore. I miss that. I miss my weird stories! Anyway, tonight I am going to swing dance classes. Yes, I am going to start again. It will be the first time in awhile and I hope I like it. The interesting thing will be that I don't have any shoes. I don't have any dancing shoes as my boxes are still in London. I am still recycling the few clothes I have brought with me. From the initial batch I have lost my black pair of trousers to a mysterious hole and my favorite olive shirt to paint. Oh! Maybe that is why people don't talk to me anymore. ...

"You are so hard on men. Here is one guy that promises you the moon and the stars and still you find something wrong with him." Me: "Shows you how impractical and selfish he is. What am I going to do with the moon? And what about all the other 6 billion people who are left moonless? He is better off giving me the money he was going to spend getting to the moon."

I'm going to love it here. The island is beatiful and the people are nice but believe you me, this is heaven for the eyes. And I don't even have to do much to see these eye candy. My colleague Jaghaira has yet to introduce me to a bad-looking bloke. The dreadlocks one we met at the electronics store, was Fine. The guy who organizes parties is Fine. The baseball dude is Fine. Even the artist is nice-looking. And she assures me there are more where those came from. Lawd, waz I gon do?

Sometimes I think about stuff. I create these theories about this perfect world I live in in my mind. Admittedly some of them are far-fetched such as my concave chest theory. Despite it having the capability of solving the divorce rate, it is not achievable. I also think about the age old question: can men and women really be friends. Friends that don't have or have ever had any feelings for each other. Is that possible. In my world I think it should be possible, but in reality I am having a hard time finding a good example. Today I am contemplating this saying: Amor de lejos es amor de pendejos. Is that really true. And if it is, why? Why can't people love each other when they are not physically together. Surely a big part of love is psychological (for fear of using things like feelings or heart matters). I will admit that the physicality is a very present factor in this whole love thing. Yet there are people who live together and supposedly love each other without being int...

I travelled to Curacao to attend a training at the statistics department. Monday morning found me sitting in on a meeting with my colleagues. The purpose of the meeting was to look at the presentation for the training that night. Whilst one of them was talking through his slides he got to the question on the questionnaire that asks: Hoe gooit u uw huisvuil weg? (How do you dispose of your trash). I don't know if he was tired but when he was reading the slide he says: Hoe gooit u uw huisvrouw weg? If you know dutch you are probably laughing out loud right now. I couldn't do the same as everyone just kept looking straight ahead. As the new girl in town I couldn't antagonize anybody so I just laughed in my head. Those of you who are not versed in Dutch, he actually said: How do you dispose of your housewife?

I used to love Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou. For those of you who don't know it, here are the words: Phenomenal Woman Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size But when I start to tell them, They think I'm telling lies. I say, It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. I walk into a room Just as cool as you please, And to a man, The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees. I say, It's the fire in my eyes, And the flash of my teeth, The swing in my waist, And the joy in my feet. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. Men themselves have wondered What they see in me. They try so much But they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see. ...

Years ago someone told me a joke about Ohio. "If I knew I was dying tomorrow, I would move to Ohio. Everything happens there 10 years later." Obviously they don't know about St. Maarten. If the doctor tells you that you are dying tomorrow, I wouldn't even move as I know by the time someone gets around to making sure that I die, weeks would have passed. On Day 1 they said they were going to call Holland to verify that I don't live there. On day 5 I decide to call myself. On day 21 I get the verification by mail and they are still calling. I wonder what happened to the guy who is supposed to establish that phone connection? Maybe he is still swimming? You got to love this place though. Since everyone knows, no one expects anything. Quite refreshing.

Y'all know how much I wanted to be part of a flashmob. Now today to my surprise I see this: http://www.versgeperst.com/nieuws/65915/flashmob-verovert-plasa.html Flashmob right on my lovey island: Curacao. I guess the flash is not meant to be for moi.

In the last week I have had so many different water stories that they warrant a post. Saturday I got the keys to my new place on Friday naturally I set out on Saturday to start doing some cleaning. This plan came about on the Saturday morning when I was still fresh and fruity. By the afternoon I was exhausted from all the errands I had to do but still I couldn't put it off. Armed with buckets and brushes and all kinds of sprays I set out to tackle the bathrooms first. I started out with my small guest bathroom. Water flowed like kids playing in the garden on a rare sunny summer day. Half an hour later I emerged wet but satisfied to go to the next assignment. As soon as I turned the corner the sight of a lake in my main bedroom greeted me. The whole room was full of water. What in the world! I checked everywhere but I couldn't see where the water could possible be coming from. Behind me was dry so it couldn't have been the water ballet I just danced. It couldn't be ...

Have you ever looked at just one car and know that it should be renamed to you? Have you ever walked into a house and now that you are home? Have you ever had one of your wishes answered without you expecting it? Some days are good and some days are perfect. I got a car, a home, and one-on-one drawing classes all today. To the powers that be ... Thank you! If I wasn't watching Bones right now I probably could write a poem just to capture this day. Maybe later ....

Man: "Oh how I wish I could be a charm right now." Me: "What?" Man: "A charm, like you have on your necklace." I look down and see my charms nestled between my breasts. Now what do you say to that?

We all saw the movie, Indecent Proposal. We saw the good and the bad. Lots of women probably wanted to be Demi Moore. I remember liking the bag that she had. I've been looking for something like that ever since but no luck as yet. Anyway, back to the movie ... when it just came out, with all my childish dreams, I thought she was crazy for accepting that offer. See what it got her. Was it really worth it? Fast forward to now. Change it to $20 million and then ask the question: you are married and someone says hot sex for one month and I give you $20 million. What would you do? Last night I had this same discussion. For most of the conversation I played devil's advocate. He said, sure do it! If my wife told me about this, I would say go ahead! He said he would talk to he guy and ask for the money first because now way he was going to risk him sending back his wife before the time was done and loose out on that money. And then he would warn his wife to not behave as she did at h...

The phone rang right in the middle of Glee. I jumped out of my chair and grabbed the receiver. There is a leak in the roof and they were going to try to fix it. I thought it was the builder telling me they couldn't fix it. Why would someone call when i am watching them perform New York? I snatch the phone and curtly say: "Hello?" Nothing... then a dialtone. I look at the receiver as if it was a person and scowl. Then I smile a little as jsut yesterday I had a conversation with Carlos about him calling and hanging up before I can answer the phone. According to him he lets the phone ring a million times before he hangs up and I say it rings maximum of three times. So now I am thinking that it is him "teaching" me a lesson. I call him back. The phone rings and no answer. Now I am mad. I can't believe I am missing Glee for this. I pledge revenge, hang up and make myself comfortable once again. Twenty minutes later, the phone rings again. Now, I will teach this...

I don't know what is going to be the end result of this post. I decided to sit down and just start writing so I don't know what is going to come out. It is a dangerous approach because sometimes it is scary what goes on in my head but you are reading this blog so I guess nothing can surprise you anymore. The curtains are open so I can see the dance of the lightning playing across the skies and I am sitting here thinking about going out on the balcony. I have been wanting to go stand in the rain and pretend I was 6 years old. I think people forget to have fun sometimes. Remember when it was fun to play in the rain, build castles in the mud? Then I started thinking about what would happen if I went out there and got struck by lightning. And that is where I stopped since thinking about getting super human power would be taking it too far. How stupid is that? Sitting here spinning stories in my head. Because I lied a little bit I did actually think about getting super human powers ...

Today was the first day of work. It's a small office so I am certain I will have loads to talk about in the future. Well as soon as I start understanding what they are saying. The St Maarten accent is a bit hard to follow. I catch a few words and my active imagination fills in the rest. So we have Charles. Charles is the acting head of the department who today had to make an executive decision to close the office tomorrow afternoon. Which he did after Jacky told him how the place was going to be deserted as all the other offices will be closed. As she painted the scenario, it was going to be just me and her in the office when some nutcase would walk in and tie us both done and rape us. Surely he didn't want that on his conscience. At which point I felt inclined to agree that I wasn't looking forward to being raped so it might be a good idea to listen to her. In my little corner there is also Jahaira. She is the assistant researcher that I will be working closely with. She i...

It was getting to 5 o'clock and I was finally relaxing at home when I remembered that I had forgotten to buy laundry detergent and a basket. I am in desperate need to do laundry if I want to get out of the house tomorrow. But here is my problem, I have made myself comfortable at home. Ladies, you probably know what I am talking about. I took off my bra. The girls are hanging loose and I am sitting in front of the tv checking my facebook. Now I need to go to the supermarket which on a normal day would mean putting the bra back on. The problem is ... I don't want to. Y'all need to get the picture very clear. It has been a long day. I woke up this morning tired and a bit anxious as I was flying back to St. Maarten. When I got there and realized that after paying airport tax I have 1 USD left in my wallet I went to the bank and waited for 30 minutes to get some cash. In this time I had finally managed to cool down a bit as it was boiling hot. My shirt was drenched and I haven...

Friday morning I woke up with a smile as this was the day I was going to be registered and I could just relax and enjoy my few days of holiday. I packed my things, filled out the form, double and triple checked that all was accounted for and everythign was signed and stamped by all who had to sign. After 90 inutes of waiting in which I was told that I nearly started a mutiny as I bypassed people standing in line since 7 in the morning, it was my turn at the small window in the back of the building. Honestly, I didn't know I thouhgt the line was for something else so I just walked in and stood in front of the window. I handed over my papers with a smile as I was really proud that I had finished everything. The guy turns to me and aks me for my moving notice. I said: what? He said your moving notice. I said I don't have one and I wouldn't know if I asked the good people in London for something like that if they would laugh at me or just shake their heads. He said but you are ...

Word to the wise: Don't ever ever squeeze my hand like you are kneading dough. It is NOT sexually arousing in any way, shape, or form. Poor hand.

It was 8.20 in the morning when I walked into the Census Office today. My orders were to be there between 8 and 9 in the morning. I figured people drink tea or coffee in the morning, talk a bit, gossip a lot, and then turn on their computer. 8.20 is a good time to walk in. When I get there there is a long line curling around the building but I put my don't-mess-with-me face on and moved to the front. See I had a name. I had an actual person I needed to talk to which in my opinion puts me at the front. And sure I was directed to a personnel only door. Once I got to the right person I sat down relieved because all was going to be well in this world ...until she told me how nice it was for me to come by but they only handle registration cases on monday, wednesday, and friday so if I could be so kind to come back tomorrow. Dejected I go back to personnel, deliver my diplomas and go home. As I am ranting about my ex-landlord who is reluctant to pay back my deposit I get a call. "I ...

Back in college I used to say that I wanted a guy who could give me the 5 Bs. I would settle for 3 Bs but ideally the perfect man needed to have 5Bs. All of these actually started after we saw Tyson Beckford in his first TV commercial so I have a feeling I might be a bit biased. Big, Black, Bald, Beautiful, and Banked. No need to explain all of those. After awhile I grew up a bit and decided that this guy needed to have a character as well otherwise I can just stick him in a glass cupboard, put a spotlight on him and just look at him. But what would happen when I take him out and I want to play a bit? After careful considerations and long discussions I thought that this perfect man needed to wash my hair. I know you are all staring at the screen right now shocked, mouths hanging open and heads shaking but think about it, ladies. I know the men are never going to get this but keep reading in case you even need to do something nice for you lady. Just think about the intimacy of washing y...

I'll start of with an apology as this is going to be another one of those self-reflection posts. My date just left. His name is Carlos. He works the night shift at the front desk. He is not hot but not ugly either. An average looking kind of guy who does honest work. He paid for my drinks and my snack. He doesn't have a car and I believe he really likes me. He has to because he puts up with my bitchiness. I have been bitchy. I can't help myself. The guy is really trying but I keep cutting him off every time he tries something. He wants to sit next to me on the couch and I tell him to go sit in the armchair. He wants to go to the beach with me and I tell him that I am going by myself. He wants to dance with me I tell him he wishes he was so lucky. And still he wants to see me tomorrow and I am sitting here thinking of ways to avoid him. So why don't I like him. It is not because he doesn't have a car. He said he was saving to complete his house on Anguilla. He has no...

I usually have a pretty good idea of what I say and do. Sometimes there are circumstances that are out of my hands like old guys offering cokes, but usually I know. I can even admit that I am a bit of a control freak sometimes. So how did I end up with a date this Sunday? One minute I was talking to the night shift and apparently also weekend guy at the front desk and the next I am exchanging phone numbers and promising to keep Sunday evening free. For the life of me I can't recall what was said otherwise I would have told you word for word. I know it started out with what happened to your car and why I didn't let him help me carry the groceries and we covered where you are from and how boring it must be to have the night shift. That evolved into my promising to keep him company sometimes to prevent him from going crazy. It then turned into me not letting guys up to my room after nights out because then he definitely will go crazy. Next thing I know I said yes, I will keep Sund...

Another day, another story. I got up this morning at 4 (my inner clock is still messed up) after going to bed before 8 last night. I was settled in my new place, please check the view out on the balcony, and I was excited about getting my job letter, opening a bank account and getting my tax number. The lady at the Department of Finance told me to pick up the letter at 11 so promptly at 11.10 I was standing in front of the window. Let the day begin! Subway has been calling me for the last few days and I just have feeling that they might have the seafood salad over here. After 10 minutes of waiting, a lady comes to the window and I politely ask for my letter. She informs me that the letters are not ready yet as the head of the department who is supposed to sign them has left for a meeting and he will sign once he gets back. 30 minutes later ... no one knows where he is and in what meeting so it's best if they call me when he is back and the letter is signed. At this point my blood ...

Monday came and brought Earl, the hurricane. My first thought was if I was going to make it to St. Maarten or if I had to stay. Of course this actually translates into did I make the right decision or are the Gods that be trying to tell me something. On top of that I couldn't get in touch with anyone on the the island. But nothing really goes smoothly as y'all know so on Tuesday I got on the plane and after a brief but serious prayer I was ready. Now folks hold on tight because I am going to tell you in rapid fire way everything that happened to me since I set foot on St Maarten soil. My nice and sleek look turned into a windblown bird's nest 5 minutes after getting of the plane. The nice-looking car rental guy at Thrifty offered to wait on the shuttle bus with me until he saw that I wasn't alone. The Jamaican shuttle guy wanted to get me in his bus and I wanted to because he definitely had cuteness going for him. The dreadlocked guy had to do a double take and as a rew...

I thought it is time to give you an update on my List. Actually it is not like I just decided to do that but something actually happened today. Remember the flash mob I spoke about before? Well, I managed to get two friends to go with me. The weekend started out quite hectic. I cleaned the flat, did some last minute errands, hang out with the girls and watched Inception. In between all of that of course I didn't manage to learn my steps. But not to worry I was going to get there early enough to learn the steps. I set of in the morning to get my hair done and then get myself over to South Bank Centre. In the train I checked my messages and this is the message I got from one of the girls I was about to meet up with: "Um...I just looked at that website again ...um, it was dated last year! Lol. Last year aug 30th was a Sunday...today is the 29th" Good thing I didn't spend my time learning those dance steps.

The Amazon Delivery guy. 'Nuf said.

Yesterday was my leaving do. Apparently such a thing is expected so I decided that of course it had to go with a bang. This is how the night went: After the "Last Thursday of the Month" drinks at work, we moved next door. We had a few drinks and I laughed so much that my cheeks were hurting. At about 9 we went to Lucky Voice for some karaoke. From the first song, Bohemian Rhapsody, to the last song, Born in the USA I sang. Some will probably describe it as screaming and yelling but the more refined will recognize it as singing. I invited people under my umbrella -ella -ella -ella to shield from the raining men while asking them to put a ring on it if they liked it. It was fantastic! We had a few reluctant participants and I won't name any names but everyone and I mean everyone was singing. Now what happened to the: I don't do karaoke????? I saw Florian singing La Bamba. When they kicked us out at about 11.45 we proceeded to Little Italy because if you are having a lea...

Yesterday I went to a live drawing class. we got there first and helped the teacher set up, then we sat down to watch the others arrive. Boy, when people got in and started to put their own pencils and paint books around them I felt really dumb with my pack of rolled up A2 paper I borrowed from work and my blunt pencil. Class starts and the model enters the center. We got ourselves a male model. Not hot at all but I was quite surprised until he took of his shorts. I thought, boy, I know I haven't seen a lot of them before but where is it? Where his manhood is supposed to be, there was a knob. Out of the corners of my eye I saw my friend turn to me but I knew I couldn't look at her because we would both start laughing. We won't be the first one to laugh at him, I am sure, but we're grown ups. It's just not done. Besides no one else seemed to have a problem with the lack of male genitalia. You know I am now wondering all kinds of things. Like when you go down at this ...

Just saw the movie Why did I get married too? and this is what I learnt: 1. having a circle of good friends is wonderful 2. the movie is funny 3. everyone cheats 4. even women cheat 5. one way to settle a divorce dispute is to drive the other insane 6. it is fun to smash everything in the house 7. The Rock is hot

Last time I promised you a funny story but I didn't know that I would actually have one so soon. I thought I was going to have to dig deep for a long-forgotten story or I might have to pay attention on the tube instead of reading my book or just have to let my mind wander and write down my random thoughts. Those of you who have had the luxury of getting me when I start speaking what I think now that it might be a dangerous thing to do. Some people call these trips Maurettenisms. But relax! That is not going to happen today. Let me tell y'all what happened to me today. Nail Polish and I went out at lunchtime. The plan was to go try on some jeans, buy a salad and be back at work in half an hour. Walking towards MnS to get the salad, we're walking talking as you do when I tripped suddenly on the cobblestone roads in London. I grabbed Nail Polish to steady myself. My heart skipped a beat and I looked down accusingly. Stupid stone roads obviously designed by men as women would n...

... I've already closed the door. Sometimes I wonder what could possibly be wrong with me. Just tonight we were talking about how picky I am and how I shut down potentials before they can even start their game. Walking home tonight this guy starts talking to me. He wasn't even bad-looking. But when he asked for my number I shut him down. I didn't want to know. I didn't want the burden. Now I ask myself why? Why did I do that? I have no reason whatsoever. He was nicely dressed, he was respectful, he didn't even make a fuzz when I declined. I know I am lying when I say that I did it because he asked me where I lived before introducing himself or asking for my name/number. But it wasn't. I just knew I didn't want him. The next post is going to be a fun one. With all these self reflecting posts I am making myself depressed.

This song is special to me. To the one who alerted me to the song: Thank you for understanding, you have no idea how my heart skipped. Song: I'm beautiful Singer: Aloe Blacc Sometimes people say things that they don't really mean. They just might call you names to lift their self esteem. But soon enough, they'll realize that it'll never work. Because inside they're trying to hide how much they really hurt. But as long as you know who you are and what you're about Nothing they say can shake your pride and make you doubt The beauty you have in you and when they give attitude you can tell them like this. Say, I'm beautiful and spiritual and I think it's about time to tell you this. I'm gonna be the best me that I know how to be. One day you learn how much it means to believe in yourself. So take these words and share these words to help somebody else. You never know. Anything's possible. You just might make a friend. So when they try to make you cry...

I don't know how many times I have said that. Every day, every Monday, every time I mess up and look in the mirror. This time I wish it to be different. This time I want it to be different. It needs to be different. For some reason it feels different. Today was hard, I sat here with a grumbling stomach. I was trying to think of what to eat. If I had chocolate in the house, I probably would have eaten it. If I had anything in this house I would have eaten it. So if I am honest with myself, it wasn't entirely up to me that I stuck with it. Thank God I am so rubbish at buying groceries. Who knew that would save me. Tomorrow is a different day and I will do it again. and the day after, and the week after I need to do it again. Somewhere I will find the strength. I can't talk about this struggle today. I don't have it in me, but believe me when I say that this is my cross. This is the cross I have been wanting to cast aside for as many years as I can remember. It is not even...

Y'all remember my marriage proposal. The nice Irish lad who wanted me to be his wife. Well, I saw him again today. On my way to Watford to do some shopping, he walks by and says Hi! Good morning! I smile back and return the greeting. As I am turning to look at him, a lady walks by and also says Good morning. So I return her greeting. By the time I turn back they are both walking down the street. I'm a bit baffled but soon the mystery is solved when they sit down on the bench next to each other. Of course, he is not talking to me because now his lady is with him! I have a distinct feeling that I have been cheated on. After all of that, he sits down next to me on the bus and still no word. We get off at the same stop and still no word. Gosh, this hurt. Bumped for another. I had high hopes for him.

Does he really exist? The romantic side of me would like to believe so. When I was younger I used to think that God was all wrong in how he made us human. In romance novels they always say how the two fit so well together. "I slid into his arms and it felt like I finally arrived home. Our bodies fit so well together." If this is true, surely it is physically impossible. For two pieces to fit, they must be mirror images of each other, like puzzle pieces. If God truly meant for every woman to have their Adam, he should have made men different. Wouldn't it just be perfect if men had holes in their chest in which a woman's breasts could fit seamlessly? It would be the one way to find they One and Only. Do my breasts fit? No, well then I can only have fun with you but eventually I need to move on. Yes, well then welcome, what took you so long? Pure magic. But that is not how it works. I would still like to believe that there is one person better suited than everyone else f...

As I walked home in my socks with aching heels, people were passing me and tooting their horns. I've never caused a traffic jam before but today I came close. But with all of that I could care less because I was getting home freshly tattood. I love it! I can't wait to show it off. As if people are dying to see my feet, but I don't care ...

This is the text I received yesterday: "hi sorry to bother you its andrew the frendly ikea delivery guy i hope you dont mind me texing u just thought id say hi and that t was nice meeting u, i would really like to see u again and have that coffee i finish work around 5pm most days, i know u said just pop around when ever but i would rather u tell me when its more convenient for u tex me when ever but if u call i may not be able to answer, hope to hear from u soon. x" The lesson learnt here: Maurette, stop talking to people. One of them will think you are actually serious. Especially if they know where you live.

Last night I was going home after spending a nice evening with family. My cousins stopped by and we had a food and entertainment kind of night. Sitting on the tube minding my own business, a blond chick gets on and sits next to me. I have no problem with that. She is skinny so she is no threat to my space. I prefer the skinny ones as they take up less space and there is more for me. She sits down and falls asleep. Even better I think; no twitching and twisting and sighing and breathing on me. After awhile I really get in my book. At this point only loud noises or sudden stops will get me to glance up. Suddenly I sense movement next to me. This is not unusual but the movement is of the kind that seems to scream: back away, I am about to loose my dinner. Yes y'all ... it is the classic "I am about to heave" movement. My eyes see this but my mind refuses to believe this. I stare ahead focusing on what is happening on my right. There is the movement again! I turn around and l...

... to do anything about it. I know the Strictly Platonic is supposed to be my next bug thing but I am having too much fun reading this stuff. Let me share a few more with you. On a side note, I didn't get to see Bradley Cooper yesterday. I need to be more vigilant about these premieres. Apparently they give away tickets to the red carpet area around lunch time. Next time I need to get a ticket. Oooh Brad! He is sooooo yummy! Anyway, here is a good plato called "I'm looking for a boss" I'm straight, in my late 40s and fed up with my job. I'm in a respectable middle management position and have lots of transferable skills and knowledge. I'd like a change of career and willing to consider ABSOLUTELY anything. I'm sure you know where this is leading... Anyway, is there anybody out there in a responsible enough position to be able to offer me a job for a trial period (I'll even work for free) or, failing that, let me know of any vacancie...

Walking around Covent Garden is always an adventure. With all the tourists blocking your path while you are trying to get to the tube or whatever destination. Why do tourists just stop in the middle of the street and start looking around and pointing? How about scooping to the side and let normal people walk peacefully? Why do people always insist on walking side by side? So you think because there are three of you and only one of me that I will step aside? Not! There I was on my way back to work from a lunch I think, when my companion grabbed my arm and said: there is a celebrity! I look around and see nothing. She said There, there. Me looking bewildered and he now looking a bit scared. She said Trust me he is a celebrity. So I stood obediently taking the picture. Here he is. I'm still not quite sure who he is but I got it from other sources that he is in fact a celebrity. Meet Mr. Paul Barber.

Not sure how many of you are like me but in some basic things I operate on a need basis and not a want basis. Like shoes. I used to be a shoes and bags person until I came to Europe and half sizes are non-existent and everyone has narrow feet. Now I only have shoes I need. Not a big problem normally but when you are walking on sandals that are comfortable and not subject to the evil cobblestones of London but are also held together by superglue, it's time to do something. Yesterday I went out to get me some other comfortable shoes and looking around I decided I wanted shoes that I want and shoes that I need. There is a fundamental difference there. One that I will try to explain. See, shoes you need are sedate shoes. Probably or hopefully not boring but they are not Sarah Jessica Palmer I am hot shoes. They are need-shoes probably in neutral colours brown and black. Maybe you went crazy and you have a grey one in there. Shoes you want are the complete opposite. These are the shoes ...

Something that has been on my list and could quite be the riskiest one yet is the Strictly Platonic Ads. I know at least one of you is now thinking about Casual Encounters but I won't be doing that. Let's just say I am way too conservative for that. But I could probably answer a strictly platonic ad. It's harmless right? And in the middle of the day amidst plenty of people ... what could possibly go wrong? From now on I will be scanning the ads to see if there is any one of them that catches my eye. Of course I am obliged to share with you my journey so here goes: Example 1: "m 32 had my plans cancelled tonight and looking to take a nice fun outgoing girl to the movies. it will be my treat, and maybe if we get along can do dinner and who knows what after lets have fun. nothing worse then going to the movies alone. any size age race welcome, also do send a pic thanks" Question: Why send the pic? Is it maybe more about the "who knows what after" part th...

Reading is my passion. I live and breathe books. As a result my house is full of books. In fact my biggest worry about moving away from London was how to get my books back. Forget how to find a job, where to live, and other mundane stuff ... my books. Amazon and me are best buddies. There was a time when I went to library every week but when I started to struggle to find books I wanted to read - I had caught up with the speed in which they got new books - I started to buy books from Amazon. I am even a prime member which means I get my orders the next day. Most of these orders I send to the office just in case they are too big and don't fit through the mail slot. One day I ordered some books on Friday so I had them sent home. It was a typical Saturday morning. So I stayed in bed until my stomach told me to get out, my hair was a mess, I hadn't seen the inside of the bath tub yet when there was a knock on the door. My books! I opened the door expecting the elderly post man only ...

The next big thing on my list is participate in a flash mob. I'm sure you have seen the T-mobile ad with the flash mob? Here it is in case you don't know what I am talking about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ3d3KigPQM or maybe try this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkBepgH00GM&feature=related That is what I want to do. I want to be in a flash mob. It looks like soooo much fun. Of course first thing I do, like everyone does, I google flash mob. Did you know there are multiple sites out there that post all these events. I don't know why I am surprises really. There are sites out there for everything. Where to start? I figured I should have a few rules. So no nudity, no long travel, and nothing illegal. I do remember that episode in CSI where there was a flash mob and it turned out it was to cover up a murder. I think a crowd of people turned up on a golf course and threw balls. Come to think about that now, it wasn't that exciting. And of course rule number ...

You already know about me and public transportation. The things I see and experience. I could probably write a book about that. What happened to me today is a first. There I was sitting at the bust stop. I was unusually late, although if I look at the past two weeks I was unusually early. This sweet old man walks up. Old as in retired but not old as in needing a walker. He has grocery bags in his hand so I assumed he was going shopping. He sat down next to me and said Good morning. Well, as you know people don't say good morning so I gave him my big smile and said Hi! I guess that was the sign. He: "I sure am happy with this weather today. Nice and cold." Me: " Oh no. I'm not happy" He: "I prefer the cold. We are both a bit heavy so you'll understand. I find it hard to breathe when it is too hot." Me: "I understand but I prefer hot weather." He chuckles and I smile back. We sat looking at the children walk by for a few seconds. I star...

I did it. I just came back from a speeddating event. Girl number 3. Let me tell you about my night. I got to the place about 7. Walked in and felt so uncomfortable. There were some people scattered around the place, all just looking around or sitting at the bar. I walk to the lady to register myself. With my note card and name badge I look around. Am I expected to go sit with the others? Should I go to the bar? To be honest, I don't want to do any of those things so I go sit by myself. Obviously I haven't thought it through because now I am sitting in the middle of the place all by myself, of course everyone is looking at me now. Y'all know that by now I am fighting the urge to get my book out and start reading. Rest assured I don't do that. Instead I take my BB and talk about the guy sitting there wearing a leather (more like pleather) suit jacket. After a few minutes I see the pleather guy go sit at my table so I know that avenue is closed. So I decide to go to the ba...