In a few months I might ...
About 5 years ago after struggling for years I made the trip to Belgium to do a gastric band operation. I remember being so enthusiastic picturing myself walking around feeling happy in my own body. Like the picture I have of myself in my head actually matched reality. That I could go anywhere and not be the big elephant in the room, the one that always left a big impression in the most negative sense of the word.
The operation went fine. It wasn't until I woke up feeling all anxious with a very fast beating hard, lying in a room full of other people that I thought I could actually die. Who would know if my heart stopped beating in that room full of people? It wasn't like I was on a monitor or anything. Try as I might I couldn't get my heart to stop racing. But I forgot all that when I went for my first check-up and I was 10 kilos lighter. That happened in only 4 weeks! This is going to be great.
Five years later I am heavier than I was. It has been years of pure hell and a lot of self examination. A lot of self doubt and a lot of self hating. Why can I not do this? For all the independent strong woman that I am supposed to be, why can I not do this? It should be easy right? Eat healthy and you loose weight. Watch what and how you eat and you will be fine. In all those years I found out that I have PCOS and that isn't really helpful in terms of weight management and I recently found out that the band isn't where it is supposed. It is only obstructing food before it gets into the stomach so basically it isn't doing any good.
I grew so tired. So absolutely mentally and physically tired of always being at war. My feet are always hurting me, my ankles are a mess, my heel won't even let me wear slippers and I don't fit in an airplane seat without an extension belt. I have tried all types of diets that don't work. They are supposed to work best in the first couple of weeks right? So how come it doesn't work with me? After the first weeks, I binge again. So you're not working, ok, I'll just be fat. And then one day I wake up and I look in the mirror. The same mirror I have been avoiding for weeks and I see myself sitting down with all the fat rolls. My fat roll is bigger than my breasts. Disgusting!
In less than 10 days, 9 days to be precise I will be undergoing a gastric bypass. It doesn't get much more extreme than this. And I can't help myself but I am having the same daydreams again, except this time I might actually believe it. This time it might actually happen. You can't mess up a bypass. In a few months time, I might actually look myself in the mirror in the morning to see how I look, I might actually look in the mirror when I am dancing to see how I look, I might actually feel comfortable dancing with a partner, I might actually let myself go and believe that some guy actually likes me, I might actually sit in a chair without praying it holds and cross my leg. In a few months I might actually start to live.
The operation went fine. It wasn't until I woke up feeling all anxious with a very fast beating hard, lying in a room full of other people that I thought I could actually die. Who would know if my heart stopped beating in that room full of people? It wasn't like I was on a monitor or anything. Try as I might I couldn't get my heart to stop racing. But I forgot all that when I went for my first check-up and I was 10 kilos lighter. That happened in only 4 weeks! This is going to be great.
Five years later I am heavier than I was. It has been years of pure hell and a lot of self examination. A lot of self doubt and a lot of self hating. Why can I not do this? For all the independent strong woman that I am supposed to be, why can I not do this? It should be easy right? Eat healthy and you loose weight. Watch what and how you eat and you will be fine. In all those years I found out that I have PCOS and that isn't really helpful in terms of weight management and I recently found out that the band isn't where it is supposed. It is only obstructing food before it gets into the stomach so basically it isn't doing any good.
I grew so tired. So absolutely mentally and physically tired of always being at war. My feet are always hurting me, my ankles are a mess, my heel won't even let me wear slippers and I don't fit in an airplane seat without an extension belt. I have tried all types of diets that don't work. They are supposed to work best in the first couple of weeks right? So how come it doesn't work with me? After the first weeks, I binge again. So you're not working, ok, I'll just be fat. And then one day I wake up and I look in the mirror. The same mirror I have been avoiding for weeks and I see myself sitting down with all the fat rolls. My fat roll is bigger than my breasts. Disgusting!
In less than 10 days, 9 days to be precise I will be undergoing a gastric bypass. It doesn't get much more extreme than this. And I can't help myself but I am having the same daydreams again, except this time I might actually believe it. This time it might actually happen. You can't mess up a bypass. In a few months time, I might actually look myself in the mirror in the morning to see how I look, I might actually look in the mirror when I am dancing to see how I look, I might actually feel comfortable dancing with a partner, I might actually let myself go and believe that some guy actually likes me, I might actually sit in a chair without praying it holds and cross my leg. In a few months I might actually start to live.
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