When life flips upside down, you make pancakes

It was an ordinary morning when I got up to pee on a stick. Billions of women have done it before but for me it was the first time and like many before I was hoping and praying for a negative result. It didn't happen. Minutes after seeing those two lines I was behind the computer looking for ways to terminate. There was no way I was going to have a baby. never wanted one, never planned for one and definitely not in the right place and mindset to have one. Where I was living did not allow for abortions so I spent the next week calling neighboring places. 
It is very difficult to describe the thoughts that went through my mind. All I can remember is that I was living in the picture Scream because that is how I felt. I was 41 years old, recently married, living in anew place, working a new job and very far away from friends and family. What was I going to do with my career, my life. All that will have to stop. I was just planning the next 10 years of my life as I was determined to make something of myself. All around me people seem to be achieving successes and I was stuck going from place to place never quite getting somewhere. My current dumb boss just gave me a 'bad' review for having opinions that differ from him. I do not own a home, I do not own a car, I don't have anything I was just getting to building up some savings and there I was knocked up. Having to abort and spend money in doing so. Life is just not fair. Not even my husband could get through to me. I was getting rid of it and that was it. The doctor said do you want to start taking your vitamins and my answer was NO. Life sucks.
At one point I called my sisters. I didn't want to but I needed to. My husband was quiet which means he was not agreeing with me. And I was not agreeing with him feeling that he had no right to have an opinion on what I did with my body. At the end of the day, a woman gets a baby for life. I so did not want to make the call because I would have to admit that I messed up. I was 41 years old and I got pregnant by accident. How smart was I? I would have to admit that after years of being adamant about not wanting children, that I was pregnant. I would have to say that I am not this strong career woman. I would have to face the fact that my life as I planned it was out of control. I would have to admit that I was failing. After years of moving from one to the next, I have accumulated not a penny not even a title and I needed to quit the race halfway through. Because even if I never contemplated having children, I know that I would need to stop what I was doing to dedicate time and love to a child and I was not prepared for this.So I dreaded it but I made the call. I needed help to decide what I was going to do. 
There will be times in life when you realize how lucky you are to have people in your life who can just basically tell you, "Girl, chill out and breathe you are being silly.". And that is exactly what my sisters told me and that is exactly what I did. I exhaled and I accepted. I accepted that life knows what it does and it has a way of correcting itself. Once I exhaled, the world stopped spinning and I could enjoy the simple act of breathing after years of turmoil. I learnt to accept that I don't always know what is best. I accepted that what was happening, was something that must happen to me. To us. So that I could become complete again. That weekend of accepting flipped my world upside down and I made pancake. 
Her name is Amina and it means Trustworthy. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Celebrity spotter 10, 9,...

Image
I added a new item to the list. Take pictures with 10 celebrities. Celebrity 10: Las t Friday we went to Jamie's new restaurant in Covent Garden. Standing there looking at the menu, I saw Gennaro. I've seen him on Saturday Kitchen before and remembered him because he said he didn't cook with olive oil; he only uses it for salads because it burns faster. Or so I remembered. After a lot of whispering I finally decided to approach him. So I asked him if he was the chef on Saturday Kitchen and if he was the one who doesn't cook with olive oil. He said No! I think that chef should be shot. I'm Italian and all Italians cook with olive oil, he says. He spoke with us for awhile and then moved on. Sitting there waiting for our food is when I added this item to my list. Gennaro is my first. After a very nice meal, we walk out of the restaurant and who do we spot? Louie Spence from Pineapple Dance Studio. Everyone loves him. He is just the most entertaining person to watch. Wo...
Read more

The Life of a Celebrity

I made the papers. Not once ... but twice! Yes y'all, my name and picture are in the newspapers and I didn't even have to commit a crime for it. All I had to do is my job. First article was all about the upcoming Census and our cooperation with the marking bureau. http://www.thedailyherald.com/islands/1-islands-news/10071-department-of-statistics-prepares-for-census-2011.html When I woke up that morning I ddin't realize I was going to be in the picture. I thought it was going to be just my Department Head but no! There I was in my bright pink shirt. Later that week we did the trainings for the Pilot Census and Bam! there I am again. http://www.thedailyherald.com/islands/1-islands-news/10214-statistics-dept-holds-final-training-for-pilot-census.html (Un)fortunately the picture is only in the papers and not on the internet. And just now, I am sitting at my desk waiting for the radio people to interview me. People here like my 'british' accent so should I thi...
Read more

Alone in the Office ...

Sitting alone in the office makes my mind wander. Maybe I have an active imagination, maybe have read too many books, maybe I have watched too much internet entertainment. I'm here working late, got to be ready for the holidays, right? Everyone has already gone home, Christmas shopping or just out having fun. Me? I am here enjoying some Ne-Yo ... One in a miiilllion parapapa. That boy is good. Even my Miss Independent self got to admit that he does make me go ooooohhh haaaaaa. Sitting alone in the office makes my mind wander. I start to think about hunky cleaners coming in after hours or an IT geek working long hours not realizing there is another person in the building. He makes himself comfortable .... really comfortable. See the air-conditioning can get very cold if you have been sitting in it for hours. I can understand that one might turn it off ... and then it gets to be sweltering hot. If you are wearing a suit and tie, you get hot. Really hot. Oh! Don't you know it .....
Read more