I was so very close to myself

Two years ago, I had my gastric bypass. From other reports that I read peoples life changed. Most of them think that it was the best thing they ever did. Pounds, kilos, fat was just melting away and all problems magically disappeared. Two hundred and three hundred pounds weight loss is pretty common.
Not for me. Life change? Sure, I am now more active. I eat healthy, I can do hours of exercise. But those melting pounds ... I have yet to see them. Sure for the first 6 months, I could barely eat so I was ecstatic to be able to change my clothes. Get a new wardrobe. Boy, was that exciting. But then it stopped.
It is not easy, especially knowing about all those other people who have reached their ideal weight. Those lucky ones who can walk among the rest and be 'normal'. Who are not fat anymore. Who can sit and walk and not worry about how their clothes look on them. Who do not have to feel left out because they cannot go diving.
When did things change?
I am sure it cannot be that I can now eat an appetizer without a problem while in the beginning I would be full and appalled after four bites of food. It cannot be that I have changed my exercise habit. I am more actively busy than before.
When did I get back all that weight to the point where the new clothes don't fit anymore? When did my full to burst closet become a 10 day rotation among the biggest sizes?
When did I put back the clothes who were slotted for the Salvation Army?
When did I go from a happy person who ate because her body needed fuel to a person who has to be eating something the whole day? Is it stress? Am I less happy with myself? What void am I filling? Or what pain am I soothing? Why am I sabotaging myself?
I wish I knew. I wish I knew.
I was very close to loving myself. So very close ...



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